I remember being politically opinionated from an unusually young age. In elementary school, I knew I wanted to be the first female president of the United States. The first. Not “a” female President. The ground breaker.
Annoyingly coordinated Christine liked to say SHE would beat me to it because she was prettier; but I knew Senator Hillary Clinton was my real competition. What did Christine know? Christine thought the President was getting fired for kissing a girl. I had to host a playground lecture about the impeachment process and congressional hearings to bring my class up to speed.
I took mock elections in 2000 VERY seriously. The faux voting booths they set up in the library were disgustingly inaccurate. Slips of paper and shoe boxes are NOT hanging chads, OK. My exit poll revealed that a.) my class had basically invented writing in candidates and b.) most were voting for Christine or Jesus. Or the cool teacher who didn’t skip over the swear words in Shakespeare.
In high school I redirected my nerd-hood into Punk Rock, an infinitely more badass outlet for CSPAN fans than debate club. Which I also did. But as a badass. One of the biggest positives I take from Bush 2’s dark ages is this: PUNK ROCK WAS FREAKING AWESOME WHILE HE WAS IN OFFICE. I’m still playing Fat Wreck Chord’s “Rock against Bush” Compilations on important election days, like the Iowa Caucuses.
The Iowa Caucuses are the first Primary event of a Presidential Election cycle and interesting because Iowans are a microcosm of general election voters, containing most of the social strata that make up the public. Polls have been predicting slobbering whoopee cushion Donald Trump leading Sarah Palin’s political test tube babies Cruz and Rubio; and a neck and neck race between Democrats.
BECAUSE THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN, who loves each of us, even my Facebook acquaintances, and wanted them to live into Tuesday; the whoopee cushion did not win. I mean, I really would have loved to hear Anti-Flag’s Trump material: but its better overall if the country doesn’t descend into a crass cesspit of all the absolute worst things from America’s white people,surgically altered, gilded, draped in red velvet, streaming into global living rooms as reality TV, prompting our allies to carpet bomb us rather than have our lunacy spread.
But you know who did win? Hillary Clinton did. Because 9 year old Lauren could see into the future but was not old enough to buy herself lottery tickets.