What the Sam Hill Happened in New Hampshire

GUUUUGHGHGHGHHHHHH*. Is this freaking really happening, New Hampshire? Is this just our world now?

This primary season has been a race to the bottom of our collective better nature. Setting aside the deflating gold plated whoopee cushion in the flaxen toupee, the remaining candidates are one hapless Bush following the lead of the lowest polling President of the modern age despite growing up the victim of his fart pranks and a terrifying duo of Sarah Palin’s Tea Party test tube Senators. Ted Cruz is a viciously unlikable simpering human pout who, in the most perfect irony imaginable, is an Obama birther not actually born in the US himself (though is eligible to become President unless we take a red pen to the Constitution in the next 9 months**). The other misses work so often the senate has erected a Pillow Rubio with a voice recorder that just says “I vote whatever Paul Ryan votes” to represent Florida, and can’t memorize enough words to get through his latte order let alone a debate.

The Boys

But next to Trump, these Jenga towers of idiocy look like actual pillars of the community. And while we’re all disracted by whatever the Sam Hill Republicans are doing to the campaign trail, the ones who’ve already been elected are up to some strait up nonsense.

Kansas State Senator Mitch Holmes submitted a females only dress code because the men, and I quote, “don’t need instructions to look professional”. Which I think is patently untrue because in any given situation, there’s a white boy wearing shorts and not a single one of the Republican Presidential Candidates know how to have a jacket tailored. Dress codes are working so well at making Kansas’s underfunded education system for boys only (girls can stand in the back if they stay quiet like kids allowed to tag along to mommy’s coffee date) that Holmes figured it might work for the frightening number of distractingly not men people he’s seeing at work.

And then, in a STUNNING display of “Preventative Democracy”, Congressional Republicans rejected a budget proposal BEFORE THE THING WAS EVEN DELIVERED TO BE READ IN ITS ENTIRETY. I really appreciate them letting me know they’re ok with not even hearing out the opposition because that’s completely how I now plan to deal with Marco Rubio speeches. (Though, let’s face it, if you’ve heard a quarter of one, you’ve heard them all. Poor man. So many sentences.)

The State of Michigan, in attempt to prevent people from falling in love with the wrong other people, outlawed Oral and Anal Sex. Blowjobs are punishable in Michigan by up to 15 years in prison, which seems counter intuitive on some level. The residents of Flint have been bent over for so long, Rick Snyder’s doing life.

I’m convinced this political climate is the fallout of one of the craftiest lobbying tricks in the history of America. Clearly, “Big Wine” funded the campaigns anticipating huge cash returns as people like me flock to Trader Joes for affordable Pinot.

Wine

*the sound of me screaming through a forceful stream of red wine poured directly into my gargler.

**this is call “The High Road”, birthers.

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