Fish Farts

Are you having a good week? Do you sell red wine in Lincoln, Nebraska? Because if you do, I know you’re having a good week. I just paid your children’s entire orthodontia bill.

I’m not having a bad week, I’m just having a “hang-on-for-dear-life-the-weekend-is-out-there-somewhere” week. I’ve fallen behind in everything  because my cat, Otto,  decided to try and starve himself to actual death and the other, Gryf, was fine with that, because more food for him. Otto had 2 rounds of IV fluids, now, though, and is on the mend.

Plus my house is a wet cat food perfumed disaster, I’m trying to plan a Jon’s B Day weekend. OH! And was buried in patronizing, misspelled, and body-parts tweets exclusively from angry white men who outnumber my actual followers,  because I had both a vagina and a jokey tweet about some current events. Then they wrote a blog post calling me human excrement and sent it to me and I learned about blocking. I love learning new things. Plus, work.


So you know what I like to do to relax on weeks like this? I mean, besides marinating the inside of my BIG wine glasses in cheap Pinot?

Close your eyes. Imagine you’re deep in the ocean, in the velvety, blue depths. For the purpose of this story, you have gills. You are not dying. Dying is not relaxing. If you think it is, let’s talk after class. I have a friend in a white coat with magic white candies and we’ll just get crazy.

Right. Velvety depths. Sharks are around. I like sharks. And as the sun starts to set and the rich darkness sets in, in the twinkling light of the deadly Angler Fish’s glow-in-the- dark murder danglers,  the sea fills with the gentle thrum of….

Gas being expelled from the swim bladders of billions of bait fish.

Yes. Fish Farts.

This week scientists identified a mysterious sound picked up by deep sea whale recording studios, I assume Ellen Degeneres funded those, during sunrise and sunset. Apparently is billions of fish manipulating gas to rise to the surface to feed, and then submerge for fish bed time. They believe this fart-propelled migration may be the largest group movement on the face of the earth.

Reporters asked whether the sound served as a dinner bell to whales and dolphins? To which the scientists stared blankly and said…”did you catch that part about the gas? and the billions?”

Fish Farts

Oh good. Now I need some smoked oysters.




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